Life, Religion

A World Gone 😠 Mad

My Followers know that it is my Fantasy to write a Book on one Page, so here it is the following are Excerpts from my Ebook containing twenty one Thousand Words. After Reading, if you want to see it Published by Professional Publishers you may Contribute, dose’nt matter it is still going to be Published. I had planned to Post this on my Facebook Page before my Website. But then there are Copywrite values.

 

Cover

Though reportorial contributions have been made by the Web generation, it is fair to say the vast majority of blogging does not qualify as journalism. If journalism is the imparting of verifiable facts to a general audience through a mass medium, then most blogs fall well short of meeting the standard. Here is a Blogger’s view on a world gone Mad.

TurnBook

                     Through Her Eyes

It Don’t Make no Matter

Black Lives do matter, for that Matter, all Lives including the Cyclops that doesn’t believe It. A lot of Black Lives have been Squandered over the years by a bunch of Ignorant overzealous Terrorist Types. They go by the Names of Klans, Supremacists, Skinheads, Officer Robert Torsney and of lately, Officer Derek Chauvin. They may even be your Neighbors. As it did in Tulsa Oklahoma in 1921 when three Hundred Black People were Murdered by their White Neighbors. One year later thirty Black People Murdered in Rosewood Florida. It Don’t Make No Macha is Slave Ebonics( It Don’t Make no matter), that’s how Beleaguered Black People felt back then. It don’t make no matter is a feeling of helplessness, dejected and of being Violated. They knew that if they ran away, the Consequences would be Grave. They also knew that if you Outlawed Racism, it don’t make no matter, it’s what’s in the Heart of man that really matters. The Genocide of the Native American People speak for itself. Buried in Time the Falls Creek Massacre, where nine Native Americans two Men three Women two Boys and two Girls were Slaughtered. some of us are just Natural Born Killers. Some of us Survive above all Odds. Today we are not running, we are standing our Ground. Stand your Ground is A Law that Protects you if you feel that your Life is in Danger. A young Black Veteran who served his Country well and learned his Job of Targeting and Precision Release. He returned home to find the same Indignation he left. With the sentiment that it don’t make no matter, he armed himself and took up a Vantage point four Stories high in a Garage. In the Aftermath five Cops were killed and he was blown up with a Robot Bomb, pretty much a Jihadist I would say. Five Hundred miles away two more Fallen Officers, twelve Hundred miles away an Ambush and yet another, he was Black but he wore the Blue. Am I the only one who see a Pattern of Home Grown Terrorism, this is Palestine all over again. Are we approaching the Edge of Night. How many more US Army trained Black Men who are Sharpshooters out there, that are Grinding Axes. I am a firm Believer in Law and order with deep Rooted Patriotism. Always support your Country, your Government, only when deserving. Young Disenfranchised Blacks don’t see eye to eye with me, their Patience has run thin. Waiting four Hundred years for changes that they will never see. I am not a Pessimist, only a Realist. It’s a proven Synopsis, Oppression Incubates Rebellion. The turn of Events in the year two Thousand and twenty have brought out fifty years of Disappointment and Sadness in me. Disappointed in my Fellow Man Disappointed in Government and Society as a whole for casting a Blind Eye and a Deaf Ear to Racism, Prejudices and Brutally. Worse of all you feel good about yourself. Going to Church Sunday Morning talking about Praising the Lord. One of his Fundamental Laws is to love thy Neighbor. I don’t know what Pagon God you Worship, certainly not my Jehovah, I am my Brother’s keeper.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

A Mother’s Work is Never Done

Crawling in the Sack for Sexual Gratification and accidentally making Babies is a dangerous and callous act. In many of my earlier Blogs I have addressed the problem. Most of it assessed to Children having Children, and not being matured or grown themselves to deal with the responsibility and Devotion of raising a Child. I know that many of my Blogs are repetitious, but never boring. Sometimes the only way to get a point across is to be Repetitious, my Mother would Hammer the same thing in my Head till I got the point, my favorite was “no good Deed goes un punished”. This Blog is a Culmination of several of my earlier Blogs. So here we go again, having Children should be a life changing experience for any and everyone having them.

Your days of partying is just about over for all intensive purpose and reasoning, for most People. When I was seventeen living in a House with three Units, one was rented to there Sisters. The oldest was eighteen, the youngest was sixteen, she had a Baby. It was  a three Stories private House, living in the middle you hear everything. One night I heard a Baby crying continuously, after one Hour I knew there were no one home. I went downstairs and pushed the opened Door to find a six Months old Baby bundled in a Blanket on a makeshift Bed on the Floor. The young Incompetent Mother had abandoned her Child for a Night of partying.That’s what you get from Babies having Babies, they are clueless as to what responsibility means. I was a negligent seventeen Years old, I didn’t call Child Protective Agency, I nursed the Baby till the Mother got Home five A.M.

When you become a Parent nights of getting Baked and sleeping like a Log are gone, when an Infant is up at three am and is feeling alone and deserted, if you don’t show your face when they cry, whether they are in need or not they won’t stop crying. If you ignore them you are helping to create early Psychosis, such as the feeling of Abandonment, then the crying becomes more consistent. Two months ago a young Mother brought her eighteen Months old Child to the Hospital. The Infant was Diagnosed with Blunt Force Trauma to the Brain, the Mother was immediately Arrested. No Doubt that the Child cried a lot to receive it’s injuries. That is what young Incompetent Mothers do when a child cries constantly, they shake it violently or Batter it.

Two years ago in my old Neighborhood of Largo Florida a young Mother going through a bitter Breakup, slammed her two years old son against the wall, the Child was knocked unconscious. Instead of seeking Medical help, she put the Child in a Bag and Dumped it in a nearby Park. Two years after having a Child I don’t want to hear about no Post Partum Syndrome. She is awaiting Trial in the Justice System where I work. All these instances are rehashed from earlier Blogs. Today I want to focus on people having Children and are so self centered with living their own miserable Existence,  they forget about the Child’s, In so doing they don’t realize that they are creating a Generation of People with their Heads screwed on backwards.

Once again let me be Repetitious, just about anyone can make Babies, that doesn’t make them Parents. Most of all we are not all good Parents. Good Parents are Diligent and Attentive, they are always protective of their Children’s wellness, Physical and Mental. Even when you are all grown up and have Children of your own, they are still worrying about you. I grew up in a Christian Household, I went to Sunday School, yet from eight to fourteen my middle name could have been Damien. I stole as if my name was Robin Hood, I disobeyed my Mother, I broke all the Rules, I got in more Fights than Chuck Norris. My Mother knew that she had her Work cut out for her and she never neglected it. If she didn’t stem the tide of bad behavior with me growing up in the Badman’s Land of Bronx U.S.A. My Resident would have been Spotford Juvenile Detention Center.

Eventually I would have become Infamous. That’s what separates Great Parents from Good Parents, bad Parents from Baby Makers. Good Parents Recognizes early Deviations, Great Parents Remediates them. It’s not all about putting a Roof over their Heads and Food in their Stomachs. At seventeen the Neighborhood Biggest Drug Dealer offered to front me one Thousand Dollars of Coke, no upfront Cash, I refused the offer, because Mother’s work was done. At twenty one Organized Crime offered me five Thousand Dollars a Week to Deliver Kilos of Heroin. Again I refused the offer, Mother’s work was done. Yet some People wonder why I write about Parenting, especially Bad Parenting and problematic Juveniles. Been there Done that.

If my Mother didn’t do her Job I would not be able to have the Job I am presently in, working in a Justice System,with one Misdemeanor I would have been disqualified. In one of my first ten Blogs I wrote about Annie. She was Born to two eighteen years old totally unprepared for the Job of Parenting. Her Grandmother made a bad Decision by moving her Daughter out of the State before Annie was Born, to separate her Daughter from the Boy who got her Pregnant. The Child developed many  early Psychosis from being raised by one Parent who was a Party Girl. By fifteen a Judge told them that if they could not control her, she would be going away. The solution, they shipped her back to New York, a Fertile Garden for Wayward Girls, to live with the other Grandparents she was separated from and a Father who had no inclination of corrupting the Children of his new Family by taking her in. My God he made her, it’s his Job to try and Remediate the Bad Seed, worse of all a Mother who Washed her Hands of the Problem she Created. Hello Regan Teresa Macneil ( The lead Character in the Movie the Exercist) . Once again Parenting is the hardest Job in the World so if you are not ready for it, or not up to the task that’s why we have Contraceptives. Last Words goes to Pac ” Momma you are Appreciated”

P.S. my Favorite Quote, Categorically Denied.

Related Stories

FBI joins search for missing baby whose father was found dead in Pasco County

Andrew Caballeiro was a week old when his father, Ernesto Caballeiro kidnapped him last month, Miami-Dade police said

Andrew Caballeiro, a 7-day-old infant, is missing after he was taken by his father Ernesto Caballeiro last month, according to Miami-Dade police. Three women were found dead in the baby’s home in southwest Miami-Dade County home. The father was found dead Wednesday in Pasco County, but the infant is still missing. [Florida Department of Law Enforcement]

By Associated Press

Published 4 hours ago

Updated 4 hours ago

MIAMI — The FBI has joined the search for a newborn baby who disappeared after his mother, grandmother and great-grandmother were fatally shot in South Florida, an official said.

FBI spokesman Michael Leverock confirmed the agency is assisting in the case, the Miami Herald reported Monday.

RELATED:

Miami triple-murder suspect found dead in Pasco County. But where is baby Andrew?

Andrew Caballeiro was a week old when his father, Ernesto Caballeiro, 49, kidnapped him last month, Miami-Dade police said. A short time later, police found the bodies of Arlety García Valdés, 40; Isabel Valdés González, 60; and Lina González Licor, 84.

Police suspect Caballeiro murdered the women. The day after taking the child, he was found dead from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound in Pasco County, which is north of Tampa. The infant wasn’t found near his vehicle or body.

RELATED:

No evidence missing baby was with father in Pasco County: sheriff

“Our detectives are still following all the leads they have in the case,” Miami-Dade police Detective Ángel Rodríguez said. “We have the assistance of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement and the FBI, but at this time there’s been no change in the investigation.”

Authorities are searching locations where Caballeiro might have taken the baby after he left the rural Miami-Dade house where the three women were murdered.

Miami-Dade police still have an Amber Alert for baby Andrew on its Twitter account.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Blind Justice

 


Our Prisons are overcrowded with people serving time for what could be considered nuisance crimes, failure to pay child support, Dui, possession of a controlled substance, possession of a small amount with intent to distribute, shoplifting, petty theft, and so on . Such prisoners instead of being fined and on probation are taking up precious space for hard core offenders who needs to be off the streets. Career Criminals buy their freedom all the time with Criminal lawyers who knows how to work the system. The big disgrace is, the failure of the System to protect defenceless Children from their whacked out parents and the child welfare system nationwide. Every day you read about some poor Child dying in the care of unfit parents. People who should not even be entrusted with the care of Dogs and Cats, yet the child welfare agencies go to these homes and leave Children in visible danger in a House of Horror, to return and find the innocent and defenseless Corpse of one more case that they bungled.






And the beat goes on. It was sweltering in the bedroom of the Largo Fl. Mobile Home the day a child welfare case manager visited in July. Yet she left 8-month old William Hendrickson IV there with no air-conditioning and in the care of an erratic father, who had been refusing to take his (medication) noticed the word not medicine . Hello, ding dong, is anyone out there paying attention. A Mobile Home without AC is an Oven , a Nut that doesn’t take his medication is a time Bomb, if he can’t take care of himself how is going to care for an Infant. Yet the agency failed to take action. 

 

There was still time to save the child when a call was made to the Florida Abuse Hotline later that day. However the Hotline operator mistakenly marked the call as a non-priority case. It wasn’t until the next morning that child protective investigators arrived. By then the infant was not breathing and his two year old sister was severely dehydrated. I once heard a man say that Education makes fools out of people without common sense. Many who holds these Jobs have a Degree in Social Science. A State investigation into the death of the infant found multiple failures on the part of the child welfare system that left the boy in a Room where Police investigating the death recorded temperatures of 109 degrees.







Are these people mentally deficient leaving an eight months old infant in that Oven, do they have Children, do they have a conscience, do they believe in God or the almighty Dollar. Holding a Job like that just to make a Buck is downright scary, dangerous and criminal. Investigators found the case manager who visited the home one day before the child’s death failed to take needed actions. The abuse hotline operator failed to code an abuse report as immediate which would have sent investigators to the home within four hours. Why four hours, this was a 911 situation, other 911 calls are handled with immediacy aren’t  helpless infants in a situation like this a priority. 

 The case manager and her supervisor failed on several occasions to escalate the case to the State Attorney’s Office when it was clear their safety plan had broken down out of fear of embarrassment and callousness. The two children had been under the watch of a case manager since January, as a result of ongoing  Drug use and domestic violence between the parents. In an effort to keep the family together, the couple were receiving in home services to improve their parenting skills. That safety plan included random drug testing and three surprise visit a week to the home. You don’t need a PhD to know that the inept Bureaucracy were playing Devil’s advocate with these children’s lives and that they dropped the Ball. All I can say in conclusion is suffer not the little Children for theirs is the kingdom of God.

P.S. anyone can make Babies, not everyone can be Parents, also not everyone should be put in a position of Trust. May God help the unprotected ones.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Stray Cats

Looking out the window into my Backyard I see a regular Visitor, my Neighbor’s Cat. This Cat is a Pure Bred pampered Pet, yet every opportunity he gets he scours the Neighbourhood, and that is what motivated me writing this Blog about how some Children are just like my Neighbor’s Cat. Their Parents give Birth to them and that is the extent of their obligations. They give no supervision and are allowed to run wild, just like stray Cats. When I lived in the Hood called Bronx U.S.A. forty five years ago, it was a learning Experience about Raising Children. They say you only live once, well I have been around the Block and I don’t like what I have seen. I didn’t have to leave my Building, six Stories tall to see a thirteen years old Girl running the Building into the Ground, breaking the Elevator defacing the Walls and being chased by Boys all Day long up and down the Stairs.

I can’t remember ever  seeing her going to School, her Mother did not intercede, she was too busy making more Babies. From the Litter of stray Cats she called her Children , it Appears that Mother has been busy as early as sixteen years old. That’s why the thirteen years old Daughter is the way she is, she is practicing to be  just like Mom. Life on my Block is a Dismal cycle of Recipients, it seems that this is a Circle not to be Broken. Little Brother is only Ten but he is getting a good Education living in the Bowels of Life, watching the many Men he calls uncle showing up at the Door at any given Hour when a working Man Toils. Having to vacate the Apartment so frequently so Momma can Entertain his Uncles. Hanging around the Block he is Learning how the Streets work and how to work the Streets. Now he moves up to more fertile Grounds, the Shopping Malls are easy Pickings.

Working the Parking Lot checking every Vehicle for open Doors is very profitable. Almost fifteen and he can support himself, who needs Mom and all the Uncles. Trading off stuff removed from un-locked Cars for Plastic Baggies will make him Rich before his first day in High School. Anyway who needs School, his Sister apparently don’t which is good enough for him. Besides he can Read the writings that he puts on the many Walls. He is now attracting the attention of the Gang Bangers who control the Block. They are teaching him how to Drive the Cars taken from Lots in the wee Hours of Sunday Mornings. Occasionally he visits Teddy in the Cemetery, Ted was part of the Click who stole Cars and Raced them through City Streets at speeds over 100, only Fifteen.

Teddy Died in a Fiery Crash, playing Tag at 100 M.P.H. five A.M Sunday Morning, did I mention Supervision. In many of my Blogs I am repetitive of the fact that having Children should be a life changing Experience. But then I ask myself how can you tell me how to cook when you can’t Boil an Egg, it is what it is, you were Dragged up so how can you Raise a Child to be a good Citizen who is a Contribution to Society and not a Burden. All stray Cats do is wallow in filth and Garbage and make Babies that they are incapable of Nurturing. I believe that the Bible mentioned Children having Children, the Outcome is Catastrophic. Working in the Justice System I see them everyday, the area where the Folders of Juveniles Delinquents are stored measures ten thousand square feet, on Shelves five feet tall.

There is a War on Drugs but no War on Ignorance and Illiteracy. There is no other explanations for People living in the Bowels of Life, other than the inheritance of Ignorance. The Apple don’t fall far from the Tree. I grew up in the Bronx no One can tell me about Hood Life, when I was seventeen I saw a Mother Pitted her two Children eight and ten years old in a fierce fight. They were both advanced Karate Students, the Girl ten years old was instructed to Discipline her Brother for Disobeying the Mother. The Boy fought his Heart out but he was no Match for the Brown Belt. The only thing she didn’t do was to Kick his Brain out of the Cranium. How is that for creating Hatered among Siblings. That’s another Bronx Tale for you, an unfit Psycho raising two future problems for Society.

It’s no wonder I find it so easy to write Blogs about Parenting, been there done that and seen that. Another horrible experience of Parenting, while sitting at the Kitchen Table having a conversation with a childhood friend, her six years old Son sat next to her. After numerous attempts to get her attention, totally frustrated he hauled off and slapped her Face Red. I wonder if that was from watching his Dad, anyway she lost it, she slapped his Head so many times it was like playing Tennis with two Rackets. That’s not how it’s done, she made no attempt to find the Root Cause and to Cure the Aberration of hitting Women. It was like Cats in the cradle all over again, I wanna be just like you Dad. These Eyes have seen so many bad examples of poor Parenting and Delinquencies that I am Compelled to Recount them.

I have said it over and again, Parenting is the most Difficult Job in the World, if you are not up to the Task you shouldn’t have Children. I was an Abominable Child but my Mother never gave up on me. She was Resolute about not Raising Stray Cats. This problem isn’t Isolated to the U.S in Venezuela they have twelve year old Hitmen, Crime is Rampant Children loose their Lives Daily in Gang Warfare, where are the Parents. I am a Music Buff I listen to all kinds of Music even Rap. A young Mind is like a Sponge, Rap Music has done it’s best to Personify Hood Life, yet there are Merits. Pac said it Best ” Brenda is having a Baby, the Girl can barely spell her Name”. All I can say about this Abomination is, Hail Mary.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Chicken Salad

The System is a Maneating Mechanisms, once you are in it your Life is basically Destroyed. First and foremost you are no longer a private Citizen anymore, they now have All your pertinent Information on a Database, they are just about able to track you like GPS. Secondly once you’ve made it to Prison your Life is shot. Very rarely do the System Rehabilitate any one from their Transgressions, once you are in you become a product of your Environment. Most of the time you leave with a worse Mentality. I once worked for a Chef who learned his Craft in Prison, he also became a Minister while in there. That is like being hit with a Bolt of Lightning twice, his case is beyond Rare. He used to be a Drug Kingpin flooding the Streets of New Jersey with Cocaine. Talking about Born Again, the Bible says no Man is beyond Redemption. “All have Sinned , and come short of the Glory of God” ( Rom.3:23, KJV) I work as a Contract Employee in a Justice System, if I continued my Youthful Life into Adulthood I would not be able to work within the System. My last Residency was in a Community that did a Criminal Background check. With a Misdemeanor I would not have my Job, or live in a Private Community.  Incidentally the Justice System is busier than Wallmart. I was Energized to write this Blog when I found out that the young Man who Randomly killed four People in Seminole Florida reads my Blogs in his Cell.

One of my Motivations for writing Blogs is to reach out to Problematic Kids to let them know that if someone like me can overcome my Minions and turn my Life around anyone can do the same. Also to the Parents of Problematic Children, I would like to Emphasize to you that Communication is your greatest Tool, not shouting and Browbeating. A wise Man once said ” it is easier to raise a Boy than to mend a broken Man. My Philosophy is if there is nothing in the form of Learning and Teaching that you can impart to the next Generation. Then you have not truly Lived, only Existed. If I am not mistaken the youngest Murder was Eight years old and lived in Florida. However because of his Age he wasn’t Arrested and charged. He was released to his Parents Custody and so in my research I could find no mention of it. However I did find information on another youthful Monster.

Lionel Alexander Tate (born January 30, 1987) is the youngest American citizen ever sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole. In January 2001, when Tate was 13, he was convicted of first-degree murder for the 1999 battering death of 6-year-old Tiffany Eunick in Broward County, Florida. What brought these two Murderers to my interest is me wanting to warn Bent and Broken Youngsters that The rest of your Life is in your Hands. My Youth ran Parallels with yours, from eight years old to fourteen the only thing I didn’t do was to commit Murder. Though I came very close many times, and once almost an Accidental Suicide, Dismantling Shotgun Shells.

I don’t go to Church every Sunday, although I should be Preaching the Gospel. My Life is the perfect example that People can change and disputes the Theory, as a Twig is bent so shall it grow. My Mother was a Desirable Woman but after being Burned so many times she Shyed away from Men, ” once Bitten twice Shy” she Dedicated herself to Raising her two Sons. All the Graciousness and Piety that she had Acquired she Bestowed it on us, prepping us for a better Life than she had, first and Foremost was to get the Education she was denied. Etiquette, Politeness and Reverence was practiced at the Dinner Table and on the Street. When she Dressed us for School the Teachers thought we were Rich Kids, poorer than a Church Mouse we were. Life delt her a Losing Hand she developed asthma as a Child, the older she got the worse it became. When I was nine Years old she spent more time in the Hospital than at Home I was forced to spend time with Family Members who forgot that she helped in raising them. They had an Aire of Superiority towards us because they made it to College, Education makes fool of those without Common Sense. While Living with the Upper Crust I once went to the Refrigerator with my Hungry self and took a glass of Milk, my older Cousin who was in College took off his Belt three inches wide and whipped me like an Animal calling me a thief. He beat me so badly if I was fourteen when he abused me over a Glass of Milk I would have stuck a knife in him. All my good upbringing and Christian teaching was out the Door, over a Glass of Milk.

That Idiot could not see that I was one step from Starvation. The Asthma kept Mother from working a steady Job, always in the Hospital. When she saw the Welts on me she would have Killed him but the Asthma put great Limitations on her. After that Horrendous Beating my Head was turned around, I became her greatest Challenge. As a result of her poor Health we were on the Fringes of Destitution. All the good that she had done for her Family was forgotten. They treated us like Vagrants, so did the Church Brothers, no one threw us a Crust of Bread. Being a Man-child I couldn’t stand by and watch us Starve. I would Trespass on People’s Land and bring back Food. I decided that If I was going to get Abused for a Glass of Milk I might as well go Big or go Home to Starvation. I became a Sneak Thief, I would Pose as someone willing to help out in the Neighbourhood Stores sweeping up and breaking down Boxes. All the time I had one Eye on the Cash regesters.

I would only remove small Change, so not to be Apprehended. Until one Evening I was caught In a Church Brothers Shoe Repair Shop, only Nine years old that so Called Brother Beat me with a Rope big enough to tie down a Ship. After the Abuse he turned his Back, I saw a huge Ice Pick, I had my Hand on it, my Intenet was to Pierce his Heart, God removed my Hand from it and so he Lived. Can you imagine Committing Murder at Nine years old. That was the Person my Mother had the Job of turning around for the next ten years. Those two Beatings did not Rehabilitate me, they Hardened me. I was only Ten  years old when I followed the Neighbourhood Drug Dealer into the Woods un-noticed to where his Drugs and Cash was Hidden, this was my new Cash Cow.

Again I would only remove small amounts of Cash, we were never Hungry again. I was Mother’s little Man, I never gave her all the Spoils so not to cause Suspicions. I told her the money came from Sweeping up Stores. I was on a Suicide Trip, the Dealer noticed the Missing Cash and Knew he had to make an Example of the Bold One. That year Mother got wind of a job in another Town, we moved out of the Neighbourhood before the Dealer caught up with me, Once again God Interceded. He wasn’t doing all of this for Me, it was her he was Looking out for because she was a Devout Christian, while me being a Deviant. I was no Blessing to Her I was a wannabe Badass, and was I ever. When I was Thirteen I got into a fight with an eighteen years Biker Boy. I chased him to his Door with a fifteen inch Kitchen Knife. That same Night I strung a Clothes Line across the Road when I knew he was coming Home. His Bike crashed and Burned, He wore a Neck brace for nine Months. That was the closest I got to committing Murder. It’s an absolute shame how you can pour all your resources in a Child and they go astray, I was the perfect example. My advice to Juveniles Delinquents is you can make Chicken Salad out of your Life or Chicken Shit, the Choice is yours. I chose the Salad. By the time I got to High School I quit playing Robinhood and never had another fight for the rest of my Life. I was such a Fierce Fighter, it was too easy for me to Commit Murder. At Eighteen the Black Panther Party Recruited me, on the way to be Indoctrinated the Safe House blew up killing two. God has been Good to me. As the Song goes “Save Yourself, cause I can’t even save Myself”.